Going to close a section of life to continue on with whats to come.
I know I only come back here when I’m down, but I’m depressed out of my mind. I can sit here and type my heart out, but what it wants to say has no place for it to go… so I do it here. Where ‘No-one’ cares; and he listens as I speak, and he’s not fake enough to respond. Doesn’t divert the times to lecture me because No-one truly cares. and plus, currently, I’m a downer. I don’t want to drown the ears of all these happy-esque type people to sadness and have their compassion be out of pity.. lol even though ‘sudden pity’ is my literal middle name; Biglang-awa. I’m in need. To put this theologically, these are the days and times where my identity, the inner me, is tossed and scraped because ultimately, I don’t matter. There’s one part in me that hails and proclaims of God’s glory through his will, but there’s just another in me who wants to sit here and weep.
for the past minute or so, I’ve just been reading my past tumblr posts and man do I sound depressing lol. I get it, I probably was depressed, but am I really this much of a downer? This is why I can’t have nice things lol. I can’t link this thing to any of my friends, nor anyone close to me. I’m pretty self centered on here; writing about me and such, and even about feelings and things of that nature. It’s pretty embarrassing.
ive come to the hardest (probably) time of my spiritual life, and i know in the back of my mind there will be events that will be far greater, but this one is pretty bad. my walk has been the worst, because in terms of going anywhere, I shoot myself in the foot. I’m not gonna say the cliche of taking some steps back, I know it, you know it; it’s obvious. Because of habitual sin, i am at my lowest and I haven’t done anything about it. For someone who is in debt to study something I haven’t even touched in weeks; aka: my bible, and even be an intern of my own church to pursue probably something pastoral, I am the worst hypocrite. My spiritual life sucks. As I take more responsibilities in the church, the more I am afraid; the more fearful I become. From who you may ask? Probably God, more so the elders of my church, the people I will be teaching. Maybe if I feared God more than the people in my church, I won’t be sinning all that often. I don’t know where my heart lies.
When’s the last time I blogged about my own life? Seeing how everyone around me happens to be bloggers themselves, looking through their posts, and reading what they have to say about their life, their studies, thoughts on their issues.., makes me want to do just that and document every inch and of every crevice of my own life. But at this point, while I even type this post, I get the feeling of not seeing the worth of if all. In the middle somewhere inside this add a text post, I stop. I ponder. I turn to other things. my attention span in writing or typing letters about stuff is not very good, and in terms of expression, I have nothing else to turn to. What’s my motive? for likes? for reblogs? for reads or for myself? In all honesty, I used to blog to cure and console my own broken soul. It was for me. I being the audience, the critic, the one whom it concerned. I was the recipient of my own letters. I miss that. I haven’t had the time to think and ponder; and meditate like I used to and maybe it’s because I find myself boring, but looking through the blog posts of my friends, I need to do just that. again.
The fridge is full tonight. I can always tell whenever we are tight on our finances by the content of the fridge. And since what is inside of the fridge is overflowing with stuff (rarely happens), we’re doing pretty good.
Can’t sleep again. Summer was never good to me. Nothing was ever good about summer, either. Tis the season where I would always re-evaluate life. “What am I doing and why am I doing it — what am I going to do?” were always the questions that pop up every hot summer nights. Nothing going on with friends since I’m hardly ever close with anybody during this time. Summer is not only a break from school, but a seclusion from people..mostly not by choice. I feel alone. That has to be the the most genuine, honest statement I have ever said, and not like I’ve never said anything genuine, but it just has not been this candid. Sure I could console myself with bible verses and the theology i know and has yet to be applied, but my situation still is current. No one can take away the reality of this situation so much that it’s affecting my sleep. I am alone. And It’s also summer. Same old, same old.